Dear Families: October is bully-prevention month, and I wanted to provide information about different types of behaviors at the preschool level. In a 2012 article called “Rude Vs. Mean Vs. Bullying: Defining the Differences” by Signe Whitson, a child and adolescent therapist, shared information about how it is important to distinguish between what “rude,” “mean,” and “bullying” behaviors are so that everyone involved with children, including kids themselves, “know what to pay attention to and when to intervene.” Please note that the author refers to the behavior as rude, mean, or bullying – not the child; this is important because these are terms for the behavior, as we would never label children in this manner.
Rude Behavior: Rude, Signe Whitson says, is saying or doing something that hurts someone else without intending to cause harm. In children this takes the form of social errors like “burping in someone’s face, jumping ahead in line, … throwing a crushed-up pile of leaves in someone’s face.” An important aspect of this includes: “Incidents of rudeness are usually spontaneous, unplanned inconsideration, based on thoughtlessness, poor manners or narcissism, but not meant to actually hurt someone.”
Mean Behavior: Being mean involves “purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice).” Unlike unthinking rudeness, “mean behavior very much aims to hurt or devalue someone. Very often, mean behavior in kids is motivated by angry feelings and/or the misguided goal of propping themselves up in comparison to the person they are putting down.” Rudeness and mean behavior require correction, and they are “different from bullying in important ways that should be understood and differentiated.”
Bullying Behavior: Bullying is “intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power. Kids who bully say or do something intentionally hurtful to others, keep doing it, and have no sense of regret or remorse — even when targets show or express their hurt or tell them to stop.” Whitson gives examples of multiple kinds of bullying, including physical and verbal aggression, relational aggression (like social exclusion, hazing, or rumor spreading), and cyberbullying. A key aspect to all of them is the ongoing nature of the behavior, which leaves the victims feeling powerless and fearful.
It’s important for our staff and families to understand that peer conflicts will occur as children start playing with a large group of children in a new school-based setting. Skills such as sharing, waiting a turn, listening, joining an activity, greeting peers, lining up, following rules of a game, offering materials or a toy to peers, and so on are prime spots for conflict to occur. At our school, some preschoolers may be aggressive because they have not learned typical, age-appropriate language or social skills. We also have some students that may act impulsively. Also, with some children with special needs, experts agree that displays of aggression during early childhood are usually not acts of bullying but are instead a feature of a child’s identified social, language, sensory-processing, emotional regulation, or cognitive special needs.
Add to this that preschoolers, who ages 3-4, associate bullying with hurtful and aggressive behaviors, and they don’t always understand the full definition of bullying to include repetitive behavior or a power imbalance. They also have limited understanding of motives and intentions of peers. Some students in early childhood aren’t able to reflect on their own behavior and to understand another person’s point of view (Monks, Smith, & Swettenham, 2005).
Consider a student with identified special needs who uses humming to self-sooth to help them focus and deal with their environment. Another student with identified special needs has a high sensitivity to noise, limited communication and self-regulation skills. The second student reacts to the noise by grabbing and scratching the first student. Is it bullying? Each student is doing what they need to control the environment, and they are responding to a need specific to their identified special need. Neither student holds an intention to harm or bully the other. In this scenario, our staff holds responsibility and prioritizes the prevention of issues that impact the safety of the students, while also working to support, develop coping strategies, and teaching replacement behaviors. They will work to understand the cause of the conflict, repair relationships, and ensure safety.
There are several universal strategies for children, staff, and families to know about for children of this age. Preschoolers are taught to say “STOP” and to get an adult. We also help them to understand that reporting concerning behaviors is not tattling (tattling is telling on someone for the purpose of getting them in trouble) – instead it helps keep everyone safe and adults can help teach the skills needed to get along in a school setting. Preschool staff at our school work to prevent, teach, and intervene with pro-social skills such as sharing, helping, including others, using words instead of hands, kindness, and so on. We often ask our students to repair any harm caused, for example, helping to rebuild a tower that was kicked over, replacing a crayon that may have been broken in the heat of an argument, or doing/saying something nice.
By understanding and talking to children and staff about the differences in behaviors, we can better identify the behavior and take appropriate action. Also, parents should talk to their child’s teacher about any concerning scenarios, instead of talking with other students’ parents. Please reach out to your child’s teacher with any questions or concerns, and to request strategies or responses that are developmentally and age-appropriate for young children.
Respectfully – Paige Gordon, principal
Some Sources used / Related Sources:
Bullying in Special Education: What it is and How to help
Bullying and Youth with Disabilities and Special Health Needs